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3/4


Yes, I know there will be a lot of grammar mistakes in this chapter as well. Sometimes I care, sometimes I do not. Sometimes I respect the flow and do not correct the mistakes but sometimes I think all of the writers revise their writings maybe so should i. However, this is not our matter this time. I am here to tell something else which I do not know what.
I grew hate to most things I used to like or love. I used to love the city lights now I am not so sure. I used to love walking in the middle of the night, breathing the night breeze and getting the chills. I never do it anymore. I used to write a lot, I stopped for a long time, I am glad that I've come back. That is the only thing I come back to. I used to listen to music all the time, sing along, get lost in the music. Now it feels scary. I used to dream in bed before going to sleep in which I have superpowers like reading at a speed of light, not forgetting anything about my studies, speaking six different languages, transporting or flying and having enough money until I graduate. In those dreams when I wax my body hair once they never grow again; every week I lose a good amount of weight and slowly become a slim person, not so slim though. I was feeling that those would bring my self-confidence back to me. Now I never dream of those dreams I get bored because I realised that they will bring neither my self-confidence nor confidence.



Sometimes when I think about people, I get angry with them by their blindness. I say do not they know me, do not they know how much I love them. Then I feel sorry. after that pity. after a long time, I forgive them. In the end, I try to understand everything, every motivation and feeling. You see, most people do not try to that. Particularly in their daily lives. I do not mind, it is not their fault, it is how the world works. you know, with those signifiers and signifieds, with these structures and phases, with these abstract authorities people will never obtain ultimate mental health, understanding. We all are going to stay as subjects rather than individuals and we will always be in the deception of us being individuals. How can I get angry with them?
Still, when people do not use their the most essential organ, their brains, I feel upset. I feel not satisfied, I do feel frustrated. I mean it is your blood in the end.
When I visualise inside my brain, it is the emptiness in which the thought fly or float as white words on the black background. iccannotcatchthemiwillnevercatchthemtheyarenottangibletheydonotbelieveme.butido.
If you ever happen to read me, listen to me I believe that we are one step closer. At least You are one step closer to me. I hope I won't fall.


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