desensitization

            I am a bit confused in fact. They said  my translation skills of my emotions to words were advanced, however, when I write, my words do not feel quite enough. Confused. I want my headphones. Today, I am going to plant strawberries on my balcony. I am excited. It helps me to heal, to see them grow, to talk to them. My hands create new lives, and they are green. Whatever, I want to talk about something else today. My body perception. And you will think that it will be about my weight. Maybe some part, I am not sure yet. The flow will decide.

            During my last therapy session, Ms. Özge said that it was my sleekest appearance after a long time. I answered, “Most of the time, looking pretty makes me feel too much”. Of course, we discussed it. And I am not going to write about it with "I said" - "she said". But here we go.

            I have curves; I am fat even though people tell me I don’t look that fat out of kindness, and/or thinking it should make me feel better, I know I am fat. I have eyes. Also, I have curves and I know this body type makes me look more feminine than I am not fat. I have breasts; I have a vagina; I have armpits; I have legs, very thick legs indeed, I have cleavage; I have a big belly; I have very dark body hair; I have hands, feet, and I think I have a quite pretty face. Perception of beauty changes. I like my face. I like being a woman. I do not have an issue with my gender or sexuality. I just sometimes wish to hide my body. Not be a person. Not because I am fat. I just don’t want to hide my big belly and thick legs. I also crave for hiding my breasts, and face and my pretty face according to my perception of beauty. Sometimes I just want to cut off my breasts and make my chest straight. My body is too much for me from time to time. Every part of it. Thus, my weight, me being fat disturbs me. And it is not because nobody will like me. Alright, maybe sometimes I worry about that as well. But this is very not that often. I often feel too much. I am usually excessive. And this is the reason I wear baggy T-shirts, and don’t wear make-up except for work. Everything should be plain and simple because I am already too much. I want to be smaller. I want to be invisible in fact. My body disturbs me for this reason, because of that.

            However, my brain does it differently. My unconscious if it makes sense. I always thought I used food as a reward but the other day I noticed that I’ve been using it as a punishment. If I eat enough to make myself fat enough I can be invisible. I can stay in my safe zone more often because I will lack self-confidence more and more that I will not want to leave the house. And maybe lately I have become obsessed with decorating the house for this reason. To make my safe zone more comfortable... Maybe Lucy was an expression of this disturbance, of the feeling of too much. 

            Even sometimes when I am alone at home I don’t want to see my breasts and feel them. I think I just like my back. Maybe. I am not even sure of that.

            Would you like to know the reasons for that? I have the patience to explain only one of them. Since there is more than one. First of all my family. Morality. I don’t know if there is more of that. I don’t remember. But I want to talk about my previous relationships and boyfriend rape.

            Do you know what causes them? Lack of love. Fear of abandonment. Even though you say no, even though you cry during the act, even though you don’t move and never make a sound, even though you push them, even though you go somewhere else to sleep, they take off your clothes, they make themselves at home, make you wet, penetrate, ejaculate, clean themselves off maybe take a quick shower then sleep so soundly. And you put on your clothes back, don’t say a word, and look around with empty eyes until you fall asleep. The worst part is sometimes just not to make him angry or not to start a fight you fake it. You fake like you enjoy it. But if he touches you he can understand from your arms. How much you feel weak and how much you are scared. Because no woman will accept after saying no. There is no convincing in sex.

            That is how much you fear them leaving you. That is how much you fear if you state your opinions and you persist, and you reject their wishes they will hate you. So, you never try.  You never even try. You try but maybe not enough, probably not enough. Maybe you should not have slept in the same bed with them.

            And then you become so desensitized that when you face the worst, I don’t know if there is any scale in this situation but, you cannot do anything. These were rape, beating, physical abuse, sexual abuse and you did not even notice. You could not.