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I was born in a city in a family with a father, a mother, an older sister and a lot of relatives. We were living in the same building altogether. I do not remember my childhood that much except that I felt so lonely all the time. I was not allowed to share my family issues with my friends and I followed that rule all the time. Since my mother was precious and it was important to keep her pleased to me. I am told that I was really smart and well-behaved back then. Everyone adored me. I remember my relatives calling me "baby doll" all the time and my uncles could not resist biting my hands, my arms, cheeks, and hips when I was very little. Maybe, that was the first invasion over my body even though there was no abuse. Maybe this was a kind of abuse as well. My mom gets along with kids very well. Extraordinarily. She helped me with my homework, she replied patiently when I ask ordinary questions that children ask. However, when it came to family issues or my emotional state of being, I was ignored. You know, children choose someone in the family and call their name when they cry, I never called just one person, sometimes I could not even call anyone. I do not remember why — later on when I asked my mother she told me that I kept wanting to go out - I found myself in the coal cellar, alone, in the dark. She always frightened me with the mice over there. According to her, mice eat people when you misbehave. I was in horror. This was another invasion of my trust. In fact, there were no mice in that room at all. Oh, by the way, she locked me inside for some time.

I remember not my father that much. Especially at the first home of ours, I knew. Just one memory I have about him. We were going to a wedding, mother, father and I. Such a lovely family. I felt complete, in my mind my family involved just them. there was no room for my older beloved sister. She never loved me, in fact, she never liked me. I was not likeable.

White sugar and baby biscuits in tea were my favourites. Sometimes pasta with tomato paste or with sugar. I remember when I was three or four I used to sit on the window and greet everyone in the street who pass by from the open window when they were cooking or cleaning. Now, I covered all my windows with wires for my cats to sit outside the window safely and to watch birds and other cats, enjoy themselves.

I loved and adored every animal but I was not allowed to touch them except my birds. I felt pity for the ants coming from the garden for they had a home and needed to bring food to their house. maybe I was touched with that story and I waited for the rest of my life to see a grasshopper. I thought they were misunderstood. It was not his mistake not to know the winter. He was just a grasshopper.

I did not like many of our neighbours. They were not sincere and somehow I knew it. It was an intuition I believe. Yet every visit to another place was another victory for me. Oh, I liked the playground so much. It was big. It was sandy. Sometimes when I was a little bit older I was sent to call my grandpa to home from the place which he was gambling. Among all those men who were gambling I felt really small, it scared me. Because my grandpa was there with those men I never felt that he was going to protect me in that place. It was like he was changing and turning into another man in that place. A lot of smoke, and I remember foggy inside. And just after we leave that place together he became my grandpa again whom I loved very much and dearly. When it comes to my mother I felt tenderness, she was fragile, she could hate me any minute thus I needed to protect and please her. I could sense the hardship she was going through. I was sensitive from nature. I loved my grandma, aunt, uncles, grandpa. That was beyond love I believe. maybe it came to a point that I became very attached to them. all of them except my other uncle and my father. I just loved them. I suppose.

Even when I was a little kid I needed to act and sit mannerly when there were men in the room. those men were my uncles and grandpa. sometimes it was my father. mom said it was respect. I was never sure. and it frightened me. I used to cry to bath with my grandpa to which I was not allowed.

I was not allowed to get comfort. when I cried, when I was hurt there was no one to comfort me. so I learned to comfort -so-called comfort- myself. so I learnt to there will never be someone to comfort me and I should forget about it, move on. do not think about it. do not show your anger, do not show your resentment or else you will be ignored. you will be locked in a room or you will be disdained about your feelings since they were such unimportant issues in life and there were so much hungry and orphan kids out there who were struggling. this was not appreciation. this was not being grateful.